Syllabic Boredom

Haiku~

Wintery March Chill
Soft Felt Flakes Layer The Earth
When Does Spring Abound?

Quiet, Motionless Streets
Inclement Sunday Weather
Pedestrian's Dream

Radio's Murmur
Lighted By A Halogen
Pining To Get Out

Culture of Economy

" It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up
it's only a dollar, step right up"

~ Step Right Up, Tom Waits

In the midst of an obvious recession (or the looming signs of the "R" word) I have hit on all time disgust with the manufacturing and processing world of our economy. I am tired of the advertising, the promotion, the pleading of me to buy your shit. I no longer have the patience to even deal with the affairs of our economy and as soon as we clear out of this monetary funk no one will change. Beyond the fact that our economy seems to solely based upon jane and joe buying more things that they don't need is my complete antipathy to spending good money for packaged products. I do this not from the stand point of some anti-industrialist or anti-capitalist, the failings of all social systems implemented into the broad structures of nations and states is documented. The human populace seems to only like change more than one rigid set of rules and ideas. My position on this issue stems from a general malaise when walking into a store or listening to some advert. It is too fucking much in my opinion, I don't want more shit I don't need! Arghhh ... why does the anger rise so in me? Why can't I be happy with just buying some trinket or toy to satisfy a failed life or empty existence? Am I different, have I not caught on to what the wave or craze is all about? To be sure there are things I want - pricey items even - a flat screen television to better enjoy movies, but that would merely be an upgrade from my current empty television slot that occupies my quaint apartment. The other things I want to buy are a barebones computer that I can build and upgrade myself. So I am not totally opposed to what is being sold. I guess I am just realizing that I do not need more shit to bring me contentment. I feel sorry for those that need to thrive on the fresh receipt and new car smell to get through their pathetic lives. When you juxtapose these people with our current credit crunch can you truly feel sorry the millions of lives being ruined? I have overspent and lived lavishly (enough) without having the necessary means to support such expenditures. I am now in a complete debt (both credit and student loan) payoff mode - and soon as that is done all I want to is invest the extra that I have. I don't want to buy shit I don't need. I am sure the anger will subside from me soon enough, but at this moment every fucking jingle in hear in Target and ever line I see at Best Buy only serves as fuel for my angst towards our consumer culture.

Maybe I just need a hug?

Six Months

3/5/08... has it really been six months? Looking back so much has changed. Life and time on their own are extremely dynamic systems, but from September to now my world seems extremely different. There are days and nights - especially nights - when I think of those last few hours, trying to place myself in his mind. How much of a struggle was it? How much did it hurt? What was he thinking? I know these are not questions I should dwell on, nor is there anyway ever to find out, however my inability to converse with him as I had for years leaves a pain inside me.

Right after his passing the world became much grayer to me. All hues and sounds saturated by a fine, silty static eclipsing normal lights, colors, and sounds. I have no idea if this is a normal response, perhaps an effect of immediate depression or perhaps it is a more ethereal experience. I tend to leave philosophy and religion for those that have the time. Still, an extreme loneliness overcame my physical and mental states. I was close with him and I will miss our conversations. Experiences deepen and enrich us, there were things I wanted to experience with him and for him which, will never come to fruition. Sure I will go on, but who will I tell? He pushed me to become who I was, both directly and indirectly. Is that a sign of immortality? Do we live forever through our interactions with other people. Surely it is not an etching in stone or preserved script, but can it be just as indelible as those tangible relics? There are many questions I cannot answer. Supposedly, I am to grow from this, but all I want to do is call him, and see him, and hug him - he could be a grouchy man, but he had one of the warmest embraces I have ever felt. I well up just thinking about this absence in my life, and it hurts. It hurts more than any injury, or breakup, or let-down that I have ever endured. I know it is asking much but I want that back, in some shape or form. I want that unconditional love; a space where even if I did wrong, I could do no wrong. There were so many times he gave me comfort, gave me hope; in the end I wanted to give all that back in a matter of minutes. I wanted pour all of my love and thanks into his heart and soul as those final minutes ticked by; I have no way of knowing if it sunk in. The inability to know leaves me in despair...

... but than I think about so many other things, good times, happy laughs, and that warm embrace. These thoughts provide euphoria, happiness, and contentment. Yes, the pain will haunt me, but to dwell is the one thing he would not want me to do. I will have to build deeper connections with myself that I built with him. Each time I succeed in a goal or learn from a failed experience creates another narrative I would have shared. Maybe there is an afterlife, maybe he beams down upon me as I toil on a house project or see a new place... maybe? Either way, with the pain as a reminder of a great love and relationship, I step forth to build a deeper connection with myself as if he were still with us.

The colors and sounds are getting brighter day by day. Though the tints and hues will never hold as much glory as the once did, I can find solace in their growing light. I miss you Dad, I hope you have found peace.